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Archive for February, 2010

Well, here I sit listening to the sadder songs on a soundtrack….as that’s how I’m feeling right now; sad, frustrated, anxious, scared, a little confused but not surprised…..

I beat the anxiety when it came to attending and completing my Work Experience…..and it decided to pay me back barely a week later.

Ever since I got the invitation to a friend’s birthday party, I’ve been feeling anxious about going. A birthday party? A twenty- first birthday party? What’s the big deal, those are fun! You must be thinking. Well, I haven’t yet attended a 21st, except those of my sister’s. Believe me, for someone with Anxiety that has trouble socializing, it is a big deal.

I battled the decision whether to go or not for a long time….my initial decision was to go, but then the night before I wasn’t sure. Today was the party day, and I gave myself a headache trying to find reasons to go. There were plenty of reasons to go, and the same amount of barriers to keep me away. My ‘Pros and cons’ list did not help any. One of the badder (is that even a word?) things about Anxiety is that, if you get stressed out enough, you can actually feel depressed and literally sick.

Anyway, I did not go, and I beat myself up about the decision as soon as I sent my friend the message and apology.

I got more anxious as time went by without a reply from her. Was she angry? Upset? Had she run out of credit like she has done before? Was her phone turned off? Dead battery? Was she just busy?

A couple of hours after the time of the start of the party/ dinner, I was feeling better- and about ready to gather my courage and ask if she still wanted to see me, and if I could drop round and give her her present. I rang the mobile number I had sent the text to a few hours before. “The service has been disconnected…” Oh, maybe I didn’t dial right…try again…same thing…oh, sh*t. I tried the second number I had, both numbers were fairly old, but the first had worked when I had last used it. “The service has been disconnected…” What the-? Was her mobile turned off? Didn’t this usually mean that the number was no longer in use?

I concluded that she may have got a new number (which I didn’t have), and I sent her a message via computer. At the moment I am still waiting a reply. I write this while trying to keep my nerves calm. She didn’t get my initial message when I apologized and gave reasons for not coming to the party (which I sent two hours before it had even started). That means she didn’t get it. Did she think I had stood her up? Did everyone who knew I was invited think I had stood my friend up? I explained in my message about the messages and the phone number I didn’t have. I hope she reads it soon. I hope she understands. I hope she isn’t angry. I hope she had a great night.

The fact remains I allowed my Anxiety to control my decisions- again. I seem to fail more than I succeed. It gets rather frustrating and depressing. Though I wasn’t feeling the best (mainly headache and slight dizzy spells which could be more due to the weather); though there were barriers- I should have taken a deep breath, plucked up the courage and gone anyway- even if just for a little while. People go places and meet people when they’re not feeling well all the time; and though it’s not recommended, they do it.

I wanted to support my friend, I haven’t seen her for ages; but I was anxious about everything else. A place I have never been, people I didn’t know, people I wasn’t sure about- and I get restless when it comes to eating out. It was more than that. It’s rather difficult to explain, and I hope I don’t have to try to explain it better to my friends. Believe me when I say, trying to explain Anxiety is torture. People say they know of it, but they don’t understand. They can’t truly understand unless they experience it.

I don’t know if this post makes any sense, and I apologize for any confusion or headaches reading this may have caused. Right now I shall try listening to more uplifting music, take deep breaths, try and relax, and try to get some sleep, which I didn’t get too much of last night because I was stressing over today.

Wish me luck.

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Well, time for the inevitable bout of nervousness, complete with the occasional shakes and the unwelcome negative thoughts gatecrashing the excitement.

I apologize if the above doesn’t make sense…I often write what’s on my mind at the time…

I start my three-day work experience on Monday. I am looking forward to it; and I hope it goes well. I always get nervous when it comes to new situations; and though I have done work experience before, and in this type of place- it is still new. It is a different store and people I don’t know.

As always, this is when my Anxiety decides it’s the perfect time to let me know it’s still around. As I get excited I also get anxious, pondering how things are going to go (cue all the ‘what if’s). ‘What if I stuff up?’ is always a big one. ‘What if they don’t like me?’. I just try to tell myself that whether or not they like me shouldn’t *really* matter- and to just get on with the work and do the best that I can. Which is when, of course, the ‘What if my best is not good enough?’ comes into it…As you can see, one negative thought leads into another, and one finds it hard to find positive aspects of it, let alone concentrate on them. I find distracting myself from whatever it is that’s making me anxious helpful…which can be difficult when what is making you anxious is what you are doing and is going to last the whole day. Which is when I try putting a positive spin on things….let’s have a go at that…

‘What if I stuff up?’- Making mistakes is how one learns. I will likely remember these mistakes and know what to do next time so it doesn’t happen again.

‘What if they don’t like me?’- They seemed nice enough when I met them before. Plus, I will have support and it’s not like I am forced to stay there. It is only work experience and I will do my best. So what if they don’t like me personally…hopefully they will like my work…

‘What if my best is not good enough?’- Again, it is only work experience. They will not expect me to know everything on the first day.

Well…I feel a *little* better, I guess…Other things I try concentrating on are the reasons why I’m doing the work experience; I wanted to do it, and at this place; it gives me more experience; it’s the kind of place I can perhaps see myself working in; there are animals there, and they always make me smile, etc..

I will be fine.

Update on the driving: Haven’t been on the road for a little while, but I have driven three different cars already, and so far I have practiced a bit of turning around, parking, staying on the correct side of the road and just getting used to steering a car…..so nothing too fance yet….oh, I hope I do well when I finally get onto a main road…

Nothing to report on Fauna Rescue, as I am still off-call until after my work experience.

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