Archive for April 17th, 2010

Firstly, I’d just like to apologize in advance for any headaches that occur from reading this post…I just hope it makes sense.

Adelaide had a small Earthquake last night. I was sitting at my laptop, listening to music, when I suddenly felt the floor shudder beneath my feet. It only lasted a few seconds, but it was still a little unnerving. After hearing news of earthquakes and disasters in other parts of the world, I was wondering when it was going to happen over here.

I’m feeling down again. For some reason, ‘friendless’ keeps coming to mind; though I do have friends. They may be few, but they’re there. I may only talk to them mostly online, but I call them friends….Only a few of them are actually my age; most of them are older than me; family friends, my sisters’ friends.

I’ve read that depression can come hand in hand with anxiety; they bind together and make things more difficult to deal with. On one hand you have the anxiety; that barrier that keeps popping up whenever you get anxious about something. Your fears, the ‘what ifs’, those crazy thoughts of feared possibilities that aren’t even likely to happen, that chase each other through the mind. These make you need to challenge your own mind; turn negative thoughts into positive ones, challenge the ‘what ifs’…On the other hand you have depression. That feeling of having fallen into a deep, dark hole that then, on the harder days, starts filling up from the pouring rain. That feeling, when nothing seems to be going right, and all the thoughts streaming through your mind seem to be negative; and all your attempts at challenging them feel feeble. That feeling where you don’t feel like doing anything and all you want is to curl up and try to sleep it off.

I don’t know if its depression; I haven’t actually been diagnosed with it, but I do seem to be having a fair few ‘blue days’. I get anxious about something, and then feel rather sad about it afterwards. Sometimes it’s as if I’ve fallen down a hole, and when I try to climb out of the hole; when I try to challenge the anxiety, it starts to rain. Challenging myself to keep my head high and deal gets harder as the walls become more slippery. It’s scary when you’re alone down there, with the thunder up ahead and darkness rolling in. Sometimes all one wants, all one needs, is a friend. Someone to throw down a rope and shout encouraging words; to perhaps climb down and sit with you for a while; someone to help take your mind off your current predicament.

But not everyone will know when you’re in need of help. No one will know you’re down that hole unless you call for assistance. That’s another trouble with Anxiety. Just calling for help can be a challenge. What if they don’t wanna help? What if they can’t? They have problems of their own, why should I bother them? There’s no need to put more on their plate. Slowly all the negative thoughts fill one’s mind until you give up for a while, sit in the dark, cry with the rain, and let the thunder reflect the anger now building up inside you because you failed again. It’s a vicious circle of fear, anger and misery. One is always looking for the hope, the happiness.

I tend to find happiness with nature, with animals. The environment has a sense of wonder to it, and the animals always make me laugh. Fauna Rescue helps me deal. Yes, it can be stressful, and sometimes even a little depressing; but it helps me challenge myself, and it’s worth it. When I look after animals, when I raise them, I feel like I am needed. I have that sense of duty towards them. The animals in my care are my responsibility, and I don’t want to fail them. When the animals are older, and or are released, I feel I have achieved something and it’s all worthwhile.

My message to sufferers out there: I know it’s hard, even I have trouble with it; but if you feel like you’re slipping, if all you’re doing is crying in the dark, asking yourself what is wrong with you; if challenging those negative thoughts is becoming too much of a challenge…please don’t fear asking for help. It’s at those times when you’re feeling too down to even care that all you may need is a fresh look on things. You’ve already tried yourself, so let someone else guide you a little. I realize you may be thinking “this person has NO idea what they’re talking about!” “I can deal with this myself, thank you!” I have thought the same things. I still do sometimes.  I feel I have to deal with this myself (hence me writing it down, getting it all out). I feel I have to prove I can do it. “Everyone else deals with their troubles, and they’re fine!” Well, no not always. They just pretend it’s all fine. Like you and me, they wear a mask when with others. “No need to trouble everyone and cause unnecessary worry and concern. That’s what I *don’t* need!”

One way people deal with things is to share it with others. You never know, those people may know exactly what you’re going through, or at least been through something similar. Think of the saying “A problem shared is a problem halved”. Of course, the very first step towards healing is realizing and accepting the fact that you actually have a problem. I realized it. I accepted it. I’ve taken steps to try and understand it, and now I’m doing my best learn to live with it, perhaps even find a way to challenge myself so that this will never be so debilitating again.


Read Full Post »